Hello friends! First of all, it was recently my birthday and it’s very important that we all acknowledge the EXTREMELY POWERFUL gift that my dearest pal Stephanie made for me.
Stare upon the textured face of your death.
My favourite present that I bought for myself was a new Chelsea jersey in the eye-poppingly bright new third kit design, with Sam Kerr’s name and number on the back. Please enjoy this Chelsea Women’s quiz to celebrate me now looking extremely visible at all times!
As I write the AFLM grand final has just wrapped up and the Richmond Tigers are premiers for the third time in four years, TIGER TIME. This felt like a deeply cooked and cursed game, and not only because it was a night match in Queensland. Lots of injuries, fucktons of behinds, only Dusty seemed to be a pillar of constancy and it was his long-punted splendid bananas that allowed the Tiges to finally streak away in the final quarter. Anyway ASH BARTY presented the cup to da boys while wearing a jumpsuit, it was incredibly horny.
The truly most important thing this AFLM season brought us is this suit that Marcus Bontempelli wore to the Brownlows last Monday night, fucking hell I need a tailor and also to be six foot three.
Jason Johannisen on Instagram declared Libba to be ‘Footscray Pirlo’ and honestly there’s no lie.
In AFLW news, OH MY GOD I LOVE PERKO SO MUCH and am extremely excited that she is going to be back on deck with the Suns this upcoming season! Just always having a lotta feelings about enormously talented players having a hard time finding acceptance and learning to take care of themselves and aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh it’s a LOT.
NHL Free Agency: Fucking Bad Vibes
The NHL free agency period is always a bad time where all your favourite boys are in danger of being sent away to some trash hole, but WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS GOING ON WITH FREE AGENCY THIS YEAR??????? WAYNE SIMMONDS AND JOE THORNTON ARE LEAFS NOW???? TAYLOR HALL VOLUNTARILY WENT TO BUFFALO???? TYSON BARRIE GOT TRADED TO THE FUCKING OILERS??!?!?!?!??!?!?!? IS THIS HOCKEY MAD LIBS WHY ARE WE EXPERIENCING THIS HELL.
After my flippancy last week about not caring to find out anything about Calgary THE CANUCKS TRADED A BUNCH OF THEIR GOOD BOYS TO CALGARY and I am SUFFERING. Really, the only good move by the Canucks, and indeed the greatest news of the entire free agency, is that THE GOODEST HOCKEY BOY, BRADEN HOLTBY, IS NOW A WHALE!!!!! Truly no one deserves the west coast lifestyle and becoming Thatcher Demko’s most chill dad more.
Look at him in his first interview with Canucks media, jesus christ, JESUS! CHRIST!
The Flyers are teasing us all by still sitting on a reasonably enormous amount of cap money that they have not yet spent, fuelling rumours that they’re attempting to lure in some big name defenseman while also putting out quotes to the effect that “aw nah mate it’s no big deal, we might just decide to build up on our youth roster” so who KNOWS what’s going on. Although truly the only Flyers news that I care about right now is that it was announced ON MY BIRTHDAY that my GOOD SON Nolan Patrick accepted a one year extension contract, WE DID IT GUYS, WE GET TO PUT OFF FOR ONE MORE YEAR THE POSSIBILITY THAT PATTY GETS SENT ELSEWHERE AND WE HAVE TO REND OUR GARMENTS BECAUSE TK’S HEART WILL HAVE BROKEN.
While we’re talking about trading, this is an EXTREMELY COOL interview with Blake Bolden, who was the first Black NWHL player and currently works as a scout for the LA Kings.
Huddling Up in Your Hoggle Hole
Now’s the time, especially before we get too much deeper into our NHL teams guide, to bring up the concept of hoggles. ‘Hoggle’ is a contraction of ‘hockey’ and ‘goggles’; I’m not sure where it originated but I heard it first on You Can’t Do That (if you’re not listening to You Can’t Do That get on it, all of what’s going on here will make A LOT MORE SENSE to you). A hoggle is a man who you likely would not have found attractive in any other context, but in the context of hockey is very attractive. Hockey is not a sport generally renowned for the physical beauty of its players. This is a sport where injuries to the face are common. No one has all their original teeth, and many do not bother with wearing replacement teeth (hello Erik Johnson).
He’s beauty, he’s grace, he got a puck to the face.
As your local disaster bisexual, I am the first to admit that my taste in the masculine genders is questionable at best; with my exposure to hockey it has got EXPONENTIALLY WORSE. And if you enjoy looking at men and get into hockey THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU. No ifs or buts about it, this is a widespread phenomenon across hockey fandom, you are going to start getting into some weird units this is just how all of this ROLLS.
So right now you may see some of the hockeys featuring in this here newsy and you might be thinking “jesus Hayley’s gone off the deep end that man does not look right” but the more you hang around here the more likely it is you are going to fall for some hoggle and be FOREVER ALTERED and come crawling to me in tears, to which I will triumphantly holler “YEAH THAT’S RIGHT BITCH! THIS IS YOUR LIFE NOW!!!”
So you want to give your heart to some hockeys (Part 2 of 3)
I was THOROUGHLY overwhelmed by the positive response to Part 1 pals, was very surprised to hear that many of you are now on the precipice of becoming Dallas Stars fans even though I said those rapscallion cowboys are going to break your hearts, but I can only present the FACTS and understand that sometimes feelings are just going to take hold of you when it comes to giving your lives away to some ice gremlins.
Today in Part 2 we’ll actually get to discuss some of MY PERSONAL GREMLINS as we’ve finally got further enough down the alphabet to get to one of my teams. Yes, one of, I follow three NHL teams.
Think about it like astrology (which is both very fake and very real), you’ve got your sun sign, moon sign and rising sign which all to varying degrees influence you. My sun and rising signs are the same, Libra, so my sun team (Flyers) and my rising team (Canucks) are variations on a similar chaotic theme. My moon sign is Scorpio, which is TERRIFYING, which means my moon team… well, you’ll see. Anyway, thoroughly recommend keeping tabs on multiple teams, it only means more love to go around and then there’s the joys of YA BOYS taking on YA BOYS where spoilers YOU WIN EVERY TIME.
Detroit Red Wings
Detroit used to be a big deal and now, as I understand it, they are very much not. They have won the most Stanley Cups of any US-based team (and only the Habs and the Leafs have more), they were the storied home of Mr Hockey Gordie Howe, and I definitely recommend reading up on the Russian Five era, there’s DEFECTIONS from the SOVIET UNION and lots of CUPS great stuff. Go for the Red Wings if you love reflecting on past glories and aren’t too concerned about waiting a long time for the next glories.
Edmonton Oilers
BEHOLD THE PRAIRIE THAT THEY SET ON FIRE AND THEN SALTED THE GROUND WHEREBY NONE OF CONNOR MCDAVID’S CROPS COULD BARE FRUIT. Edmonton is a sad prison from which there is no escape. Certainly not for the former 2015 number one draft pick McDavid, who grows ever more despairing by the day, a veritable shibboleth of agony. The Oilers are the tragic poster team for you can have possibly the most talented player in the league but one man cannot carry 20-odd other hockeys to victory. I’m also EXTREMELY distressed that the Oilers have just traded for Tyson Barrie, who’s stint at the Toronto Maple Leafs had also turned into an increasingly frenzied cry for help and now he’s wound up in an EQUALLY DEPRESSING Canadian sadness factory. If only I could believe that Edmonton management are trying to cheer McDavid up by gifting him a new friend who’ll teach him to embrace the disaster bisexual life, but I fear this may be too little too late and McDavid’s psyche would actually crack if forced to contemplate the notion that hockey should be ‘fun’. Also apparently he’s now got the roni, honestly it never ends. If you love wallowing in pain, maybe Edmonton are for you? (HELP HIM)
Florida Panthers
If for some reason you absolutely HAVE to go for a hockey team from Florida (and may I remind you that Florida has TWO franchises in the NHL. Two. Two ice hockey teams from FLORIDA) the Panthers are absolutely the more palatable option, even if they were created by the guy who co-founded Blockbuster Video (the team for cinephiles?). Will you ever win anything? God no.
Los Angeles Kings
I am TREMENDOUSLY CONCERNED that I may have been sleeping on the Kings. Previously my only real perceiving of them was as a key setting for the epic poetry tome that is The Ballad of Jeff Carter and Mike Richards. Cliff notes: Jeff and Mike started off at the Flyers, absolute bros in love, then the Flyers traded them both to SEPARATE TEAMS, cue misery, sadness, the Blue Jackets wanting Jeff’s HEAD on a STICK, then suddenly WHOA WHAT THEY’RE REUNITED AT THE KINGS?!?! AND THEN WIN TWO STANLEY CUPS TOGETHER!?!!! FUCKING SHOOT AND PRINT THAT SPORTS ROM-COM HOLLYWOO!!! Also Jeff is still playing for the Kings despite being ancient for a hockey (hockey ancient = 35, aw jesus I’m hockey ancient).
Despite this still relatively recent success, the Kings have kind of come across to me as a benevolent home for elderly hockeys by the sea. HOWEVER, they’ve been doing some exciting drafting, specifically this year’s number two draft pick Quinton Byfield, look at him! A precious child! TAKE CARE OF HIM LA KINGS! I will be keeping an EYE.
Minnesota Wild
Another WHOMST? team that I know purely for only one of their players and that player is Matt Dumba, co-founder of the Hockey Diversity Alliance and extremely good egg, I love Matt Dumba. What else is Minnesota up to? Fuck if I know.
Montreal Canadiens
Moon sign team, MOON SIGN TEAM! One of the reasons I support multiple hockey teams is because it’s very rare that one team can give you everything that you require out of a sport. And sometimes, you need an outlet to safely enjoy the negative emotions that sports bring out in you. One emotion that is very prevalent in hockey is one I have in spades: spite. And the Habs are my spite team.
A spite team can go two ways – either they’re a team that you enjoy because they play in a particularly spiteful fashion, they’ve got a lot to prove, a lot of doubters, a lot of beefs to wage, OR they’re a team that spites you, their fanbase, on the regular and you get to roll around a lot in hissing outrage. Kids, Montreal is ABSOLUTELY going to layer on both these flavours of spite onto your bagel.
Back in the faded mists of time when I was first getting an inkling into hockey, I felt it was cromulent to follow a Canadian team (god knows why) and given Canada is awash with hockey sadness factories Montreal seemed at the time to be the obvious choice. They’re the most successful franchise in NHL history! And I started following the Habs in a truly halcyon time: the Carey Price and PK Subban era.
*tears streaming down my face* we coulda had it AAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
There are very few hockeys I love more than PK and Carey. It’s pure first love glory. It also helped that THESE MOLLS WERE IN LOVE. Thousand-watt smile PK with his fabulous suits and incredible hats (hardly any hockeys are stylish, and compared to PK they’re all EXTRA FASHION DISASTERS), breathtaking defense skills and his deep, sincere love for the Canadiens, his childhood team. And the intense Carey, the NHL’s most talented and frankly most frightening goaltender who could probably explode you into a fireball with the power of his mind if he felt so inclined. Watching them on the ice together was fucking POETRY. There was something a bit magical, something beyond actual scorelines, about what they lent to the team, this tantalising feeling of infinite promise.
And then Montreal traded PK Subban to Nashville.
There was a lot to process about this trade (primarily that it was fuelled by racism on behalf of Canadiens management and Montreal hockey media) and what it awakened in me was spite. And spite has always been part of the Montreal experience. There’s spite about the weight of hockey history, the spite against retrograde management always in thrall to the idea of that history rather than achieving something new, spite about just trying to exist as a hockey team in the overwhelming glare of hockey-mad Canada and the specificity of hockey-mad Quebec. And this spite has also been manifesting on the ice, especially in the form of my man Carey, who proved this past playoffs season that one hockey may not be able to drag the rest of his team kicking and screaming to the Stanley Cup but if they’re Carey Price they can drag them A HELL OF A LOT FURTHER than anyone could have possibly conceived.
So I find myself in the strange position of recommending a team, that I do love, in only very specific circumstances: how much spite entwines your heart? Do you need constant slights to keep you feeling alive? Can you handle disappointment after disappointment just for that tantalising glimpse of the day when you’ll get to shove it all back into every doubter’s face?
Also keep in mind that I put a witch curse on them after they traded PK, cannot emphasise enough that never a greater betrayal has ever been committed against me, so they’re not winning anything till at least 2040. See, SPITE.
Nashville Predators
The Predators became the second home for PK Subban so for a while I was paying attention to what they were up to, but then they became the second swine team to throw away the pearl that had been tossed before them and traded him, so now I’m largely back to my original “whomst?” impression. Although they have just drafted a baby goalie who is a large boy who is obsessed with cake and has a PET HEDGEHOG so I might start keeping tabs on that. I’m also constantly uneasy about a sports team being called the Predators, extremely bad optics come on it’s fucking 2020.
New Jersey Devils
We’re really going on a chronological journey here as the Devils are the CURRENT HOME of PK Subban! So really if you decide to go with them for that fact alone, the most legit of areas my friend, he’s the handsomest man in hockey.
Oh to be a puppo kept safe and warm in a slanket above the heart of PK Subban.
Also one time Western Bulldogs captain Marcus Bontempelli wore a Devils t-shirt in a video interview, if anyone knows how I could interview Bont about all his hockey thoughts and feelings PLEASE GET IN CONTACT PLEASE.
New York Islanders
Chaos hockey must have it’s equal and opposite reaction in order for the game to stay in balance, so unfortunately we must acknowledge the existence of cop hockey. Cop teams put forward a smug, authoritarian energy, are rarely horny for each other (or are gross horny), and tend to smother the play of chaos teams with things like “defence” and “actually using the power play for scoring” like BORING JERKS. And look, I know I’m going to get shit for designating the Islanders as a cop team, “what about chaotic unit Mat Barzal” blah blah blah, but just go back and look at how the Islanders demolished the Flyers during the bubble playoffs – that wasn’t a chaos team at play, that was textbook cop hockey, BEWARE.
New York Rangers
I have been rewatching the 90s sitcom Spin City during iso and it greatly conflicts me that Michael J. Fox’s character is a Rangers fan because I love Michael J. Fox but am aggressively ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh on the Rangers. There is just some straight up bad vibes in this joint, succinctly illustrated by the current trade period where shit just appears to be IMPLODING. Franchise names are bailing, they are loudly criticising the management and front office while doing so, which in the notoriously tight-lipped NHL is NOTABLE. There’s been a lot of whispers around for a while now that the Rangers’ do not prioritise their players’ wellbeing – Swedish prospect Lias Andersson literally skipped town on his contract because his mental health went off a cliff while with the Rangers and by his telling the team barely supported him. BAD VIBES. Thank god the Flyers airlifted beloved potato Kevin Hayes outta there and took him to his forever home to be protected always by devoted feral raccoons.
Ottawa Senators
When the 2019-20 regular season was abruptly ended by the pandemic and the NHL was shopping around the idea of the bubble playoffs, a tweet was floating around that went “they should have the playoffs in Ottawa, the Senators’ rink is in the middle of nowhere and no one goes there.” Truly no better description of this incredibly cursed franchise.
Next time on Zamboni Interference
Oh shit buddies we are at P-Z in our NHL teams guide, WE’RE AT THE BUSINESS END, Flyers, Penguins, Canucks, Caps, special future guests the Seattle Kraken SHIT IS GETTING REAL there’s going to be A LOT OF FEELINGS SHARED it is going to be EXTREMELY HORNY and VERY UNHINGED and I expect many of you to ACTIVELY UNSUBSCRIBE. Love you! Xx
