Is it really chaos if both teams have willed it so
The cheesecake edition š°
As they say a week is a long time in sports, this is like my fifth version of this enewsy because STUFF KEPT HAPPENING here we go.
Full Credit To The Boys
Has there been no greater sight this year, apart from Parasite winning all those Oscars and Mick Fleetwood roaring around drinking cranberry juice in the back of a ute, than tennis champion Ash Barty just having a bloody nice time at the footy? Proving that sheās still number one while all the rest of those chucklefucks sweated it out in Paris dodging the roni and having to put up with Djokovic, what a champ.
Speaking of footy, ALAS the Bulldogs were swiftly bundled out of the finals last weekend after a very close game with the Saints (that shouldnāt have been as close as it was if the Dogs hadnāt done their standard fourth quarter surge). And then this weekend the Saints got dunked by Richmond, all the underdogs have been swiftly dispatched. Frankly it would be grim as hell for a Melbourne team to win the premiership this year with everyone still losing their minds in lockdown, I am climbing on board my mumās prediction that itāll be Port Adelaide v Brisbane and Port will roll the Lions on their own dunghill. Ā
The precise feeling of being a person in Melbourne watching AFLM this season. CATAPULTED TO BYSTANDER STATUS.
Other Ball Business
Iāve also spent the past two weekends watching the first few rounds of the NRLW season and gosh it has been pretty bloody fabulous. Seeing the Roosters smartly roll the Dragons then the Warriors was EXCITING AS HECK ā just LOOK at this try from Zahara Temara! Frankly better than any recent outing from the Roostersā menās team REIGNING PREMIERS WHO??? The season is screening free to air on Ch. 9 here in Oz, multiple thumbs up from me tune in if you can.
Also if you did not see the preliminary final of the NRLM between the Rabbitohs and Parramatta, the second half of which was the most exciting 40 minutes of rugby I have EVER WITNESSED (so many surprise long run tries, I shrieked so much my neighbours probably thought a crime was occurring), OH MY GOD. Bit sad that the Bunnies are next taking on Penrith in the semi cos honestly that deserves to be a grand final match up and the Panthers are on a BLINDER of a season, but weāll see. Glory glory to South Sydney!
Todayās newsletter title comes from this piece from Guardian sportswriter Jonathan Liew which just really encapsulates everything that I want in sports writing, mainly that itās both smart and FUNNY AS SHIT, god sports journalism is often so po-faced it makes me want to scream (I am also obsessed with sports as chaos, as we will get into further anon). Hereās Jonathan again on the Premier Leagueās current goalpalooza season and how, actually, these seemingly wild final scores make complete sense. Ā
Ding ding ding, BOY FOR SALE
Itās the time of year for DRAFTS apparently, with both the AFLW and NHL undertaking theirs this past week. The wholesome, emotional and community feeling of the AFLW draft was in stark contrast to the two-day digital bloat-fest of the NHL draft, otherwise known as the BABY BOY AUCTION where grown men talk in gushing terms about teenagers like theyāre fancy horseflesh and honestly thatās not an inaccurate analogy sports are extremely weird. Ā
I was mainly keen to squiz who my best beloved the Flyers were going to pick so I could start charting the Philly Effect, whereby nice clean cut boys cross the threshold of the Wells Fargo Centre and immediately start transmogrifying into horrible hairy trash pandas (absolutely bust a gut at this Insta post featuring some of the current roster as draft babies WHO ARE THESE NARCS???). Our first pick at no. 23, Tyson Foerster, already seems halfway there, bless āim, but I was most excited to read the story of our no. 94 pick Zayde Wisdom, here is an abridged transcription of an Athletic piece someone helpfully put on tumblr for those of us without Athletic subscriptions WARNING YOU WILL CRY.
Free agency has also just started in the NHL and SOME TRADES HAVE HAPPENED THAT HAVE MADE ME SQUAWK but we will get into that over the coming weeks because feedback was yāall want a guide on NHL teams so HERE WE GO.
So you want to give your heart to some hockeys (Part 1 of 3)
If I can have a moment of seriousness: it is often extremely hard being a fan of sports when you are not considered the ānormā of a sports fan, because there are still sports leagues that do not even consider that they could ever be for you. There is no league where I experience this dislocating feeling more than the NHL. If you are anything but a straight, white, cisgender male, hockey barely tolerates you. Hockey is a rich sport ā it is expensive as shit to play and requires a time commitment that many lower socio-economic families cannot afford. As a result, this is an extremely white sport. Only 3% of top level players are BIPOC, and this disparity is just as pronounced in who runs teams, who reports and commentates on the league, and who is among the top brass. Institutionalised racism in baked into hockey, and the NHL. This is a league that pays lip service to women ā while actively refusing to properly invest in womenās teams and old white hockey men on TV decry wives and girlfriends as ādistractionsā for male players ā and LGBTIQ+ folks. Sure weāll have the occasional pride game but are we going to do anything about homophobia expressed on the ice and in locker rooms, or ever do anything to ensure the queer players in this league (of which statistically there must be many) feel safe, supported, and able to come out? Absolutely fucking not. If you get into hockey, youāre going to spend a lot of time disappointed ā disappointed in players, disappointed in team leadership, disappointed in the league as on all of these levels you will see precious little done to combat racism, sexism, homophobia, or any recognition that sports is fucking political. And I donāt blame anyone seeing all this and just doing a big fucking NOPE about it all.
But. BUT.
Hockey is such a beautiful, ridiculous sport. It is SO STUPID. It is SO SUBLIME. Nothing makes me feel as exhilarated as hockey does. Nothing makes me laugh so hard. Nothing makes me scream āwhat the FUCKā so frequently. Itās impossible and wondrous and utterly bonkers and I love it. I refuse to leave it to garbage people, and there are a lot of people out there ā especially POC and LGBTIQ+ people ā who feel the same and are doing the hard work to make space and force change to make things better. First thing anyone looking to get into hockey needs to do is look up Black Girl Hockey Club and the Hockey Diversity Alliance and get correct. Hockey needs to be for us. Because the NHL desperately needs us more than we need it. Ā Ā Ā
ANYHOO. Letās get horny about some ice gremlins. Ā
In choosing an NHL team, thereās many very important things to consider. The two most important things to keep in mind is first, where does the team sit in the skill/spite/horny metric of hockey success? Secondly, how many essential team personality categories does the team contain, and what are your preferred weightings of those types? Personally, I love a team to be top heavy with everyoneās favourite uncle whose business dealings may or may not be on the right side of the law, disaster bisexuals and a smattering of tired dads. I also tend to lean towards chaos teams rather than the foolās errand of teams that are āconsistently goodā or whatever, BORING, who wants THAT.
So here are my VERY FACTUAL and not at all FUELED BY FEELINGS AND BIAS thoughts on all the NHL teams (and if youāre mad about any of my pronouncements, please email me your defences of your no good landfill boys). Because there are TOO MANY TEAMS in this stupid league Iāve had to split this into three parts, and weāre going alphabetical so youāre going to have to wait for part 3 for things to get truly unhinged.
Anaheim Ducks
āHuh Anaheim, isnāt that where Disneyland is?ā Bingo bango friend, that is exactly where Disneyland is, because the Anaheim Ducks started out life as the Mighty Ducks. You heard it right, this is a MOVIE TIE-IN FRANCHISE. Disney CREATED A TEAM to promote AN EMILIO ESTAVEZ MOVIE and the NHL fucken LET āEM. And look, there may have been something cool about supporting the Mighty Ducks in 1993 but there is NOTHING cool about supporting the Anaheim Ducks in 2020, a void.
Arizona Coyotes
Another void in a deeply non-traditional hockey market. Why is there a hockey franchise in Arizona? Who fronted the NHL with the many bags of cash to make this happen? (Wikipedia tells me that they were the original Winnipeg Jets before they got shunted to Phoenix, and the current Jets were originally the Atlanta Thrashers, this is VERY CONFUSING.) The Yotes are a place where hockeys go to be held captive or to die in the desert, their names whispered as a faint memory on the hot breeze.
Boston Bruins
Oh christ, THESE FUCKS. These UNRELENTING SHITS. These CHADS, and not the fun chads, not the cheerful āno thoughts, head emptyā himbos that rightfully haunt our dreams, but some real fucken 80s movie villain jocks who are going to be throwing you into lockers and giving you swirlies every goddamn DAY. This is the kind of team where theyāll get some bright young prospect in whoāll quickly be said to be ānot living up to their potentialā or ānot performing as the Bruins hopedā and be traded within three years because they didnāt āfit in with the team cultureā and turns out thatās code for they could read or liked to go to museums or were a disaster bisexual, and the fact that the problem was actually BOSTON will be revealed by how much said traded player ABSOLUTELY THRIVES at their new team (thank you for joining me for The Ballad of Tyler Seguin). Canāt be having with the Bruins, hate āem with my whole heart, the only good thing about Boston is Pastaās Dunkinā ads.
Buffalo Sabres
Marvelling as always that Buffalo have a National Hockey League franchise, incredible, what a world. The Sabres are also a junkyard where hockeys go to spend their last days, but at least in comparison to other more obvious void teams it seems marginally more pleasant. They have of this VERY MOMENT just traded for Taylor Hall, and Iām interested to see how he and Jack Eichel are going to pair up. Still, the Sabres will not be bringing you fortune, alas.
Calgary Flames
I honestly struggle to remember anything about Calgary. Do they have one of those Tkachuk kids? The one with the hair? (*googles* yes and yes) They seem a bit horny, which is good, and they have games with Winnipeg where it all just ends up in FIGHTS. Like Winnipeg, the Flames were ALSO originally an Atlanta team, wow Atlanta lost two hockey teams to Canada that now both hate each other, thatās sure a VIBE. Itās probably fine to go for Calgary, come tell me all about it later.
Carolina Hurricanes
Oh this is a FUN team. Those Canes are having a damn nice time ā I wouldnāt say theyāre a chaos team as such but the energy is HEIGHTENED. Very important information, thereās an adopted good luck mascot thatās a REAL PIG (his name is Hamilton!). Definitely a team on the up and up in the horny stakes, and as such if you go all in with the Canes you get front row seats to the greatest expression of love in the NHL, where before every game Jordan Martinook bails up Andrei Svechnikov and just screams at him. Itās beautiful, find a man who looks at you etc, the secret song of my heart is a ten thousand decibel-screeched āMISTA SVECHNIKOV!!!!!!!ā
Chicago Racist Name
They have a racist name and mascot that they refuse to do anything about, absolutely FUCK Chicago straight to hell.
Colorado Avalanche
š¶ Love shack, mountain love shack š¶
Ahhhhhh a true chaos energy team, MOUNTAIN CHAOS. This team is just a top-tier collection of himbo dummies that will bring joy unto your hearth. Thereās wholesome bag of feelings Captain Gabriel Landeskog and his ridiculously perfect face, thereās renowned horse girl Erik Johnson who named one of his horses after Gabe (because āwell heās a good-looking horseā, god this team is so hot for each other). Enfold into your heart cherished king baby and 2020 Calder winner Cale Makar who prompts Avs fans to gaily throw bunches of kale onto the ice, and absorb āwisdomā imparted by the Nate MacKinnon School of Just Intensely Manifesting All Your Craziest Hockey Dreams (fuck look at this dork, a perfectly rectangular white loaf).
Please know that this exchange happens every time my dear friend Micah and I mention Nate MacKinnon.
This mountain is heaving with love. Get on board the Avs if you want to get saucy with a bunch of handsome boobs and when you pass out from the lack of oxygen up there absolutely none of them are going to know how to help you.
Columbus Blue Jackets
Do not make my mistake, I was snoozing on the Jackets, wasnāt paying close enough attention, guys the Jackets are fun! Nothing is more precious to my heart than a weirdo goalie and Elvis Merzļikins fits that bill to a tee. And if you are a person who needs a Big Handsome to get into a team (donāt we all) then well well well cop a gander at Pierre-Luc Dubois.
Oh. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Jackets are increasingly becoming playoffs regulars (if such things are important to you, Iāve probably established enough already that I have DIFFERENT METRICS for team success) and seem to be gearing up to be bigger and better. If chaos teams make you a bit nervous and you feel like something more even-keeled Columbus may be the way to go (although the Jackets also have a streak of weirdness where youāll be experiencing things like that time they went to five overtimes during the playoffs, fucking WILD). Ā
Hanif is right, they gotta bring back the penis cannon mascot.
Dallas Stars
YEE-HAW CHAOS. Behold the Stars, a team that has managed to rise above being a hockey franchise in a truly stupid non-hockey location (Texas? Fucken hockey in TEXAS???) to being a loved-up collection of completely chaotic disaster cowboys. This team are a ROLLERCOASTER. Thereās a gang of Finns, a tank of a goalie nicknamed Dobby, direct quote from me during the playoffs āwait HOW BIG is Jamie Oleksiak???ā (as it transpires VERY BIG), and oh my god whatever the hell is going on between Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin which is creating enough fuel derived from loving each other TOO DANG MUCH to jettison American Airlines Center into SPACE.
If you love the idea of handsome idiots on ice becoming more handsome and more stupid the closer their orbits become THESE TWO ARE FOR YOU. Is there any hockey that more embodies the āno thoughts, head emptyā maxim than Jamie Benn? That blank stare, the inability to pull together coherent sentences, that windswept look of confusion as things blow straight through the tunnel of his head. This is a man who once got clothes-lined by a referee. LOOK AT HIM! THEREāS NOTHING GOING ON IN THERE! HEAD EMPTY, HEAD EMPTY! Pair that with the leagueās leading disaster bisexual Tyler Seguin, a cheerfully sloppy bitch if youāve ever seen one, and thatās an unstoppable duo of utter anarchy. This is just the general energy of the Stars ā whatās going on, whatās happening, what could happen, we donāt know! Nothing! Everything!
Look I am not going to pretend that at times the Stars arenāt going to make you feel real fucking bad. That you arenāt going to suffer, probably a lot more than other chaos collectives. This is a team that stunned everyone by even getting into the Stanley Cup final, during the truly bizarre bubble playoffs, and ended up losing in six games to Tampa. Thatās a protracted death by many knives (letās not even get into how many Stars were playing THROUGH MULTIPLE INJURIES who knows what state theyāll be in whenever a 2020-21 season actually happens theyāll probably wheel Seguin onto the ice in a full body cast, shitās FUCKED). Theyāre not always dummies who do the right thing (lookinā at you Jammy). But when the Stars are on song? When they pull magnificence out of their arses and do fucking glorious shit that makes you scream in joy and staggering disbelief? God, thatās exactly what sports are FOR.
Also theyāre the only team thatāll give you this level of cheesecake.
Tyler Seguin welcomes you to Texas.
Next time on Zamboni Interference
